Audition Script for “The Smedleys Are Here”

JIM and JANICE Smedley are waiting to meet the director of Swenson's Funeral Home to arrange for the funeral of a very difficult person.

LOLA (off-stage)

The Smedleys are here, waiting for you in the Garden of Memories.

 

MORT (entering to meet family)

Good afternoon and welcome to Swenson's; but first, I want to tell you how sorry I am about your loss.

 

        JANICE (distracted, while admiring the Rhododendrons)

He's sorry about our lapse? Jim, we can't be behind on our payments so soon. We just got here.

 

MORT

I'm sorry, I just wanted to express my deepest sorrow for your loss.

 

JANICE

Our loss?

 

MORT

The loss of your Beloved.

 

JIM

Not really our Beloved, more like our Tolerated.

 

MORT

Your "Tolerated."

 

JANICE (joining the others)

Actually, our Barely Tolerated.

 

MORT

Your "Barely Tolerated."

 

JIM

No, probably worse than barely tolerated -- more like a complete pain in the ass.

 

MORT

You have come to the right place.

 

JANICE

Really?

 

MORT

Yes, this is a family owned and operated Funeral Home that is dedicated to serving the survivors of . . very difficult relatives.

 

JANICE

I'm not sure I understand.

 

        MORT

My father, who founded Swenson's was a very spiritual man, a visionary. He realized that when a relative passes away, those who grieve … have more than sufficient resources for dealing with their loss – flowery cards, sympathetic neighbors, the pandering of friends … All that is well and good, but where does that leave the rest of us – and Barely Tolerated? Grief is assuaged in months – anger and resentment can go on forever.

 

        JANICE

I never looked at it that way.

 

        MORT

And that is precisely where Swenson's comes in. . we ensure that the torment and abuse you have experienced over the years is repaid. .repaid on a daily, weekly or monthly basis, relieving you of that responsibility.

 

JANICE

So you are Mr. Swenson?

 

MORT

Actually, no. Swenson's is a Swedish name. My family came from an Eastern European Country.

 

JIM

So your name is?

 

MORT

My name is Rasputin.

 

Jim

Rasputin?

 

MORT

Yes, of the Akron, Ohio Rasputins.